I am not fine at all
by rileym-rowanb
Summary: Riley finally breaks, but she didn't expect the reason she would break would be because her of her parents and best friend.
1. Chapter 1

Summary-Riley finally breaks, but she didn't expect the reason she would break would be because her of her parents and best friend.

I have been working on this for a while, it's something I hope they explore on the show!

I just want to say a quick thank you to 3 people: imaginarybird for helping me out of my funk. I want to thank grizbehr for helping me to write some of the paragraphs and lastly I want to thank laurabelle2930 for reading and for encouraging me...but also A MASSIVE THANK YOU to all my Riley girls on tumblr, you helped me through your love and devotion to that girl.

* * *

"Why are you never proud of me?"

The words were spoken so quietly, yet the whole room managed to go silent, turning to look at the girl who had finally spoken her thoughts. The Matthews living room was filled with family and friends and Riley hadn't meant to say a word, but here they were celebrating Maya winning the art competition, which Riley was so proud of her best friend, but seeing her own parents beaming with happiness she just snapped.

"Honey what?" Topanga stutters, finally for the first time all night looks at her daughter. Riley takes a deep breath, noticing that all eyes were on her. She didn't really want to do this here, but for the first time she was finally speaking up about her true feelings and this wasn't going to stop her.

"Why does it seem that you are more proud of Maya then you are of me…your own daughter."

Topanga and Cory take a step closer, trying not to flinch when Riley steps back.

"Riley we are proud of you."

"No, you are really not. I tried to pretend I was fine with it, but I am not…I am not fine."

Riley takes a deep breath and finally lets it all out.

* * *

" _May I have the meaning of the word?"_

" _You don't know? Let me tell you."_

" _It's a neighborhood in Japan where authentic Japanese girls have created an authentic look and life for themselves that is unique to them"_

" _Stop pretending to be a Harajuku girl because you're not"_

" _Five seconds or you are eliminated?"_

" _What do you mean eliminated?"_

" _It means you aren't apart of the group anymore."_

* * *

"Remember when I got invited to the seventh grade party? When we got there and realized it was just Farkle and his friends, you laughed at me. Then, when all I wanted was to be accepted by someone…anyone…and decided I wanted to be a Harajuku girl, you didn't even try to talk to me about it. You left it all up to Maya. So there I am at the spelling bee…wanting to make my new friends proud of me…trying to do my best and what happens. You and Maya humiliate me in front of everyone! But being happy Riley, all I'm supposed to do is smile!"

"Riley…" Cory reaches out, trying to comfort her but Riley shrugs him off.

"No! This has been building for a while and it seems no matter what I do you never seem proud!"

The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop, no one knew that Riley felt like this and it was starting to make everyone in the room feel about ten inches small.

"I have tried to find out who I am and you as my own father humiliated me in front of the entire class just to prove a point! Yes, dressing up as a Harajuku girl may not have been my brightest moment but you went about telling me in the wrong way, you didn't even give me a chance to participate in the spelling bee, you just eliminated me just like that"

Cory flinchs again, hating the way it sounded coming out Riley.

"Riley, I…all I want is for you to be yourself…" he tries to say but the look on Riley's face had him stumbling for the right words.

"Dad maybe that was who I am? Did you think about that, but I never had the chance because you told me in front of everyone that it was wrong. You told me in the middle of the spelling bee, which I never got to finish because you wanted to teach me another 'lesson.'"

Cory felt ashamed, he knew that maybe he should have sat down and spoke with her privately, knowing she took what everyone thought of her to heart but he took Maya's advice and instead embarrassed his own daughter in front of the entire class, during the spelling bee no less, something she had been working hard to succeed in.

Riley glances around the room, her gaze finally landing on Shawn, Maya and Katy and she can't help but flashback to the time where Shawn met Maya and even though Shawn was meant to be her godfather half the time he acted as if she didn't exist.

* * *

" _Hi Uncle Shawn"_

" _Yeah, uh hey kids"_

" _Why don't you like Riley?"_

* * *

"Shawn before you even met Maya you never once made an effort, and yes you explained yourself, but I still feel like you never make an effort. You make more of an effort with Auggie then you did me, your own goddaughter. Then you met Maya and you two made such a close bond, but not only does she get you as a father but you still manage to not say ONE word to me whenever we are in the same room unless it's about Maya!"

Shawn wants to say something but he never gets the chance because Riley was finally getting everything she felt out in the open and no one was going to stop her and make her feel guilty about her own feelings. Maya takes a step forward, away from her mother's embrace but Riley shakes her head, not wanting to look at the tears that she knew was in Maya's eyes…for once she was going to be selfish and let everyone know how much their negligence and their lack of support actually hurt.

"You all my think I am just this naive and stupid girl who will fix everything, but sometimes I just want someone to fix me and tell me I am smart and I do have a talent, I just want to be supported and believed in"

Riley turns to face her mother.

* * *

" _Auggie you are my little genius"_

" _You said I was your little genius."_

" _Well that was before I had anyone to compare you to honey."_

" _Auggie you are going to change the world with your brilliant mind"_

" _You have a cute top!"_

* * *

"Do you remember when Maya was having her art shown at school? All I wanted was for you to tell me I was good at something and what did you say…'That's a nice top.' And then when I came in on you and Daddy still working at midnight and I wanted to know what I was good at you said 'sleeping'"

Topanga opens her mouth, but nothing came out.

* * *

" _Yes you are; you fierce amazon warrior, have I ever told_ _you how fond of you I am?"_

" _Maya's the strongest person we know"_

* * *

"Then, there was something I was extremely passionate about. I wanted the girls to have more of an interest in Science and I brought them here for you to talk to, because to me you are my hero, you always stand up for what is right and you fight for the little guy yet you stayed at the door, your arms folded, telling us that it was a difficult problem. Then you said how fierce Maya was, so I told you she dropped the marble, conforming to the sexist's roles we'd been given and suddenly you're sitting next to her and solving HER problem and telling her how proud you are of her!"

"Or how about our fight which Uncle Eric came to fix. At first, I was so happy that you were on my side, but then you go and talk about how fierce and strong Maya is while I'm just the super klutz!"

"Or right before graduation when I'm trying to tell you how I feel about what is going on between me and Maya and Lucas and you tell me that Maya can take whatever happens because she's so strong…I'm looking you right in the eyes in pain and you don't even care if I can take it! Then Maya comes in and collapses on the floor like a seven-year-old and you run over to give her a big hug that you never give me! I'll bet you even give her advice on how to act with Lucas!"

"You didn't seem to mind Riley!" Topanga argues.

"THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM IMMATURE AND WHINY MOM!"

Topanga stepped back, not having heard Riley yell like that before, especially at her and that's when she beings to really understand how serious this is.

* * *

" _That's how you all see me? Riley Super klutz?"_

" _YES!"_

" _Oh well that kind of hurts"_

* * *

Riley spins around and points at all of her classmates who had come over to support Maya. "You think I don't know that the only reason you like me is because I'm happy all the time! You think I don't know that you all make fun of me because I'm happy all the time! When Maya was pretending to be me, that's all you cared about…that happy Riley who sees the best in everyone and everything was still there! In fact you should not have even had a say in who makes a better couple. Just because Lucas and I seem similar does not mean we wouldn't work, you don't get to judge what is chemistry and what isn't"

Rile whirls around, looking at just how full the room is knowing they were here for Maya…when would she ever get a turn out like that?

* * *

" _Explain to me what's the matter with you? Every year I have to tell you that you are good, but you know what…you aren't good."_

" _You were supposed to put a stop to this."_

" _You are no cheerleader."_

" _No one wanted her to do this."_

* * *

"All of you are here to support Maya just like all of you were there to support Maya when the art program was threatened! Where was your support when I was trying out for cheerleading! All I heard from everyone was 'you aren't good enough!' and 'you will never make the team' and that hurts, but none of you cared how that would affect me did you?"

No one speaks, because they honestly didn't know what to see.

"Not one of you noticed for two weeks that I was being bullied! Oh sure, once I decided to confront her you were there, but how much of that was support and how much of it was let's see what goofy Riley is going to do today! Do any of you even know how insecure I am over my own personality? Do any of you even care?"

By this stage everyone is standing in the room not looking at each other let alone Riley, because if they were being truly honest with themselves, what Riley was saying was true. Riley's eyes finally fall to the three boys by the window, the three boys who Riley values in different ways.

"Farkle was the only person to even ask if I was ok, he was the first to even notice I was being bullied and he was the ONLY one to catch on to the fact that I still have feelings for Lucas. He actually believed in me when it came to cheerleading and science."

"Zay, we all know how you feel about Maya and Lucas but did you ever think about how that made ME feel?" Zay looks ashamed at everything he said about Lucas and Maya's flirting.

Lucas steps forward, hating that he couldn't see that Riley was pushing her feelings away, that he made her think that he didn't want her, that he would choose her best friend over her just like other people did.

"Lucas you told me you were worth it! Yet how come you didn't even think to ask me to the semi-formal? I know we had an unofficial thing going on, but I would have liked to be asked, to know that you actually cared."

"Riley I do care…I do like you…"

"Then why did you almost kiss my best friend? Why didn't you ask me to the semi-formal? Why did you describe Maya as a blonde beauty yet me as the pretty brunette, we all know beautiful and beauty mean a lot more then pretty?" Riley croaks up, and Lucas hearts shatters…he caused that pain, he should have been honest and now someone he truly cares about is broken.

"Honey…" came the one voice that at that moment made Riley see red. Not once has she ever resented her best friend, not once had she ever felt the feeling of hate towards her best friend. Until now. Riley slowly turns and looks at the one person who was always meant to know Riley, always meant to be there for Riley yet at the moment was the one causing the pain.

"Maya do you know what it's like to feel like you are taking everything away from me? I don't want to feel like this but I do, and to know that you my very best friend in the world makes me feel like this hurts."

"I hate that you made cheerleading all about you, the fact that said _you_ have to go through that every year and that you didn't even believe in me, because I couldn't ever imagine _not_ believing in you. I hate sitting next to you in art class and being told by our art teacher that I have no talent at all, and you don't even defend me. That you agree with her along with my parents. What about when I stepped back for you to explore your feelings for Lucas because you led me to believe you liked him from the very start, when it turns out that you didn't even begin to like him until at least a year after we met. To know that Lucas refers to you as his blonde beauty, while I will only be the pretty brunette…HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT IT HURTS MAYA!"

Everyone stepped back from the two best friends, finally understanding that Riley's feelings run a lot deeper then this triangle the two have found themselves in.

"Riley I didn't-"

"Didn't mean to? I know that Maya, but I also bet you _'didn't'_ mean to come to MY house to talk to MY parents about Lucas, when you have your own mother who has tried so hard to make things better for you, why can't you see that? Why is that you made me believe you stepped back when you didn't. Or the fact that you and Lucas have grown closer since we got to high school, despite the fact that we all said we would remain friends. You guys don't think I see the smiles and the flirting, but I do…and the fact that you do it right in front of my face just adds to the pain because YOU DON'T SEE ME!"

"Maya I have tried to remain happy about this, but I can't anymore and you don't even see that I am giving up. You just think I am this goofy girl but I am more than that, more than Rileytown. And I just can't do this anymore, I can't be the happy girl you all want, I can't be the person who fixes everyone when she can't even fix herself. I can't live in a shadow and I don't want to watch the guy I like and my best friend become something. I am just tired of being here, of being Riley…of being not good enough for anyone."

* * *

" _I'm really tired Maya."_

" _It's always mattered more to me about what others think."_

" _This is my upset face"_

" _I am just their little shadow"_

" _I'm a little tired."_

* * *

Riley stops, she stops ranting because she is tired from it all, she is tired from thinking about everything, she is tried from asking if everyone else is ok and she is tired from telling herself she is fine, that she was loved and believed in. She glances around the room, taking in everyone's shell shocked faces as she feels a wetness on her cheeks, only noticing that she is crying and she wipes her face wanting to say her final piece with some dignity left intact.

"Coach Kelly asked me how much rejection can I take, and I thought to myself that I could take as many rejections as long as I was believed in, but now I can't do it anymore. The rejection, the fact that no one believes I am strong enough and the lack of support has finally broken me. You all have broken me." She starts walking towards the front door, weaving around everyone, everyone watching her every step and she grabs her coat and opens the door, but not before turning around and looking back at everyone and saying.

"The girl who believed in Pluto, finally stopped believing in Pluto."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary-** Riley finally breaks, but she didn't expect the reason she would break would be because her of her parents and best friend.

Ok so I ended up making a part two :) So here it is and enjoy!

* * *

It's often said that it takes ten times longer to put yourself together then it does to fall apart and after that eventful day where Riley finally expressed her true feelings it takes ten things, ten moments for Riley to be pieced back together, to finally believe that she is worth it. After Riley storms out of the apartment she ends up going to Josh's NYU dorm and to say he was angry was an understatement, however he put aside his feelings towards the people that caused this and instead focused on his niece, holding her till she felt better. That was the first day in a long time where she remembered someone putting her feelings first, and holding her like she mattered. After that day, Josh made sure to text Riley every day, his texts varying from a simple 'How are you' to providing her details about what he had for lunch, with every text never failing to make her smile. Josh becomes her person and she starts to feel a tiny bit lighter after that.

The first two pieces to be put back together happens two weeks after the event and the first piece is provided by Farkle. Farkle who seemed to be the only one to notice her feelings after Texas, and to help her through starting high school. He came by the day after and sat next to her on the bay window, not saying anything, just sitting with her. Riley laid her head on his shoulder and whispered "Thank you for believing me, even when I don't believe in myself." Farkle kissed the top of her head, vowing to bring back the Riley Matthews that made his world light. Besides Isadora, Riley was the best person in his life and he wanted to make her realize that.

The day that first piece was restored came after a particular hard day at school, where Riley had a hard day in art class, where Riley saw Lucas and Maya talking and laughing and she still felt like everyone had been talking about her. She hid in the bathroom while eating her lunch and kept her head down in class, often being called on by the teacher for not listening. All she wanted was to go home, jump into bed and sleep, except when she gets home she notices her bedroom door is locked, she knocks.

"HANG ON 5 MORE SECONDS!"

"Farkle?" but before she could knock again he opens the door, and shuts it again.

"Farkle what…" but he quickly shushes her and places his hand over her eyes and opens the door, guiding her inside. He slowly removes his hand and she opens her eyes and gives a small gasp at what she sees.

Farkle had painted the entire wall behind her bed black and re-created the whole solar system, however one small detail had been changed. Right in the middle of the solar system is not the sun but instead Pluto. Riley goes closer to the wall, placing her fingers gently on the wall, tears filling her eyes. Farkle comes over to her and places his hand on her shoulder.

"Riley Pluto had you believing in it no matter what, now it's time for Pluto to believe in you."

Riley knew there was a hidden meaning in there and she couldn't help the tears that were falling, she turned and wraps her arms around Farkle.

"Thank you for being my best friend."

Farkle doesn't respond and holds Riley tighter, squeezing the first piece back into place.

* * *

The second piece is restored the day after Farkle, and Riley is shocked to find that it is Shawn who does it. She opens the door to see him standing there in the entrance way an awkward smile on his face and a box in his hands, she smiles faintly because she is still Riley after all and he is still family and mentions for him to come inside, however he says no.

"Oh um ok"

"I would like you to come with me ok?" Shawn instead asks.

Riley looks around and sees no one at home so she grabs her jacket and follows Shawn. The air around them is uncomfortable and awkward but it doesn't take them long to get to their destination. It was the small park that Cory always took Riley too and it held a lot of special memories. They find a park bench by the pond and sit down, their backs rigid and their faces blank. Riley waits, she waits for Shawn and stares out at the ducks that bask in the sunshine.

"Riley I know that you and I have not had the best relationship and I take full blame, I also should not have ignored you over Maya."

Riley shrugs. She was used to it.

Shawn sighs and goes to opens his mouth to speak but changes his mind and instead hands her the box. Riley looks at him quizzically but opens the box anyway. When she looks inside she couldn't believe what she saw, there nestled in between colored paper was this beautiful brown leather bound journal. Riley took it out and felt it gently with her fingers, turning it ever so slowly in her hands.

"Shawn what is this?"

"I came across your blog." He admitted and Riley looks up, wondering how he even knew about that.

"It's good Riley, really good. I know you are using it as a way to express yourself, but you have a real talent."

"Shawn, I don't know what to say."

"Say you will use it, use it to continue to express yourself and your talent. Because you do have a talent Riley, don't let anyone dimmer that light ok?"

Riley nodded, feeling speechless. She didn't think anyone read her blog, let alone noticed her skills. She glances at Shawn through unshed tears and leans over, hugging him tightly.

"Thank you Uncle Shawn, this is exactly what I need."

Shawn had fixed not only a piece of Riley's heart, but he also encouraged her with her writing and fixed their broken relationship finally turning it into a real one.

* * *

It takes two weeks after Shawn and 1 month after that day for Riley to unlock her Bay window, Riley wasn't surprised that it took just one day for the first visitor to appear however Riley was surprised that it was Zay. He sat in the Bay Window and watched as Riley made her way over to him, a confused look on her face.

"Hi Zay!" she smiled at him and Zay couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief that she didn't shun him, but he should have known that Riley would never shun someone like that. They sat their awkwardly for a few moments, and that's when Zay realized that they had never spent any time alone together.

"Riley, I wanted to apologize, everything you said was right."

"Zay-"

"No, it was, and I should never have made you think that I favored Maya over you because the truth is that I don't think that Maya and Lucas are right for each other. Maybe if Lucas was how he used to be in Texas, they would have been perfect, but not now. Not since he came to New York and met you."

Riley frowns "Then why do you tease them then?"

Zay cringes, hoping she wouldn't know bring that up.

"It's what I do, and most of the time I don't think about what I say, but the truth is. If there is anyone I want to see with my best friend…that person is you."

Riley perks up "Really?"

Zay nods "Really! Maya may be the blonde beauty, but Lucas the way he describes you is so much more. Your passion, your eyes, you faith in everything, he even described the way you eat ice-cream, it was a bit weird actually."

Riley giggles, blushing a little at Zay's words.

"So sugar, why don't you and I go out for ice-cream and I can describe in great detail exactly what Lucas says."

Riley nods, and at that moment the third piece of her heart repairs itself.

* * *

The fourth piece to be put back together doesn't take that long and she owes it all to Auggie. Ever since that day Auggie had become more or less Riley's shadow, and Riley would not have it any other way. Riley hadn't spoken to her parents much, despite living with them but Auggie made sure to always be the first and last person to see his sister. Auggie even came up with a day for just Riley and Auggie.

"It can be our day!" he tells his sister and shows her the list he made.

Riley nearly starts crying as the list shows everything Riley loves doing.

"Auggie I love it"

Auggie beams and gives his sister a hug.

"I just want you to be happy again."

"Oh Aug, I am always happy with you around. Now go and get your coat and we can start."

Riley had been so lost lately, that she forgot to enjoy life for what it was and to look at the things that mattered, Auggie was always the one person who actually wanted her to always be happy and somehow she had forgotten about that, about him. She made sure to never let go of his hand the whole day and took every opportunity to hug him.

On their way home, Auggie turns to Riley "Riley you are my sister and one of my favourite people in the world, and I don't like to see you sad. You will always be my hero."

Riley stops, and just looks at Auggie and Auggie stares back "Riley-" he goes to say but is soon stopped by Riley pulling him into a hug.

"I love you Auggie, and thank you for today." and Riley honestly doesn't mean to but she starts to cry, but for the first time in months they are happy tears.

Auggie has placed the fourth piece of her heart back in place.

* * *

Riley hasn't really spoken to her parents about that day, and it's not from a lack of trying from her parents but Riley wasn't sure if she would be able to get a word out without crying, and she didn't want to show her parents that she was weak, she wanted to show them that she was strong like Maya.

She woke up around midnight, she has been doing that a lot lately, and made her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water, except she was surprised to hear sound already coming from the lounge. She pauses just at the door and sees her mum sitting on the couch watching an old video.

" _Riley look at the camera, Riley…"_

 _Little Riley turns around and looks straight at the camera, giving it a toothy grin._

" _CORY DID YOU SEE THAT?" Topanga yells coming in view of the camera and crouching down a few steps away from where Riley was sitting._

" _Riley can you come to mommy?"_

 _Riley tips her head to the side and places her hands on the floor, slowly lifting herself up. Her little chubby legs wobbly, but she quickly steady's herself. She looks at her mom, her little tongue poking out and a look of deep concentration on her face, she looks down at her feet and starts to take one hesitant little step._

" _Cory look at her. That's it Riley!"_

 _Riley looks at her mom again before down at her feet and takes another shaky step, then another and before she knows it she is falling into her mom's arms. Topanga lifts her up and kisses her cheek._

" _CORY SHE WALKED!"_

" _I know Topanga, I filmed it remember." But Topanga wasn't listening, she was instead kissing Riley's face making Riley giggle. Topanga smiles at Riley and bring her in close before whispering_

" _Riley you are my little sunshine and I will always be proud of you no matter what."_

The video flicked over to another video, and Riley started to slowly move back, forgetting all about her drink but then she heard a sob which stops her in her tracks. Even though her and her mom aren't speaking, she still hates it when she cries. She slowly makes her way to where Topanga was softly crying on the couch.

"Mommy?" she asks, sounding quite like she used to when she was younger and had just woken from a nightmare. Topanga quickly spun around and saw Riley standing there, looking like she has been carrying the whole world on her shoulders. Topanga jumps to her feet, and she brings Riley to her chest just as the first tear fell from Riley.

"Oh honey, I am sorry!"

The two cry in the middle of the room while old videos play in the background, showing all of Riley's achievements., a video that Riley didn't even know about. After a while they pull apart and go to sit on the couch, both of them wiping their cheeks. Topanga grabs the remote to turn off the video but Riley places her hand on top of hers, stopping Topanga.

"Don't leave it on, that is you and me on there."

Topanga lowers the remote, and links her fingers with Rileys.

"Riley you have no idea how sorry I am. I should have paid more attention; in fact, I should have praised you more. You are your own person and I should never compare you to anyone."

"Mom-"

"No please let me say this, my heart breaks at the fact that I haven't been the best mom to you."

"You are a great mom"

Topanga smiles sadly, even now Riley still believes the best in people despite how she was treated or feeling.

"No Riley, I haven't and I accept that. The truth is, I hate the fact that you have grown up and I just feel like you don't need me so I turn to people who do. But that doesn't give me a right to ignore you or put you down, because the fact is I am proud of you."

"You are?" asks, a tear falling down her cheek at her mother's words, Topanga pushes a bit of hair behind Riley's ear.

"Oh honey of course I am, I know I haven't always shown it or even voiced it but I am. The way you hold yourself with elegance, the faith you have in the world, how you never give up. Honey you make me proud to be your mother."

"Even though I don't have a talent? Even when I failed with art and cheerleading" Riley sniffles out, and Topanga pulls her into a hug.

"Riley, you have a talent Shawn showed me and your father your blog and it's amazing, and you haven't failed at anything you are still growing and still learning and you can and will succeed in anything you put your heart and mind to"

"I really needed to hear that mom. I really needed advice and I really just need you."

Topanga hates that she made her own daughter feel like she couldn't come to her, but she knows that their relationship will only grow from there. Topanga kisses her head while Riley cries softly against her and whispers a quiet "Your dad and I are so proud of you Riley, and we love you very much."

Topanga doesn't move from her position on the couch, holding her daughter while they both watch old videos, and still continues to hold her when Riley falls asleep.

"Hey you ok?" came a voice and Topanga turns her head to see Cory looking at them fondly. Topanga glances down at her daughter who still remains a sleep and smiles, looking back at Cory.

"I think we will be."

Cory smiles and makes his way over, picking up Riley in his arms just like he used to when she was little and she would fall asleep and makes his way to her room, tucking her tightly in the covers and kissing her on her forehead and just as he was leaving the room her hears a faint.

"Love you daddy." Making him smile.

Riley wakes up the next morning, and for the first time in a month and a half she doesn't take her time in getting ready. She makes her way to the kitchen and sees her mom placing a plate on the table, a plate full of pancakes and syrup.

Riley's Favourite.

She moves to her mother and kisses her cheek, before doing the same to her father. She sits down at the table and begins eating, throwing her mom a happy smile. Even through their relationship still needs more time to grow and be healed completely, Riley feels another piece of her heart, one of the biggest pieces of her heart fall back into place and she knows that things can only get better.

* * *

This is the first time in her life where she has gone a longer then a day without talking to Maya. She thought she would have tried after the event, but nothing. She thought that Maya would have been there the moment the bay window came unlocked, but she didn't. It in fact took two months for Riley to come home and see Maya sitting on the bay window.

"Maya?"

Maya lifts her gazes to see Riley at her door, and she stands up too, wringing her hands in front of her nervously. Riley closes her door softly, locking it knowing they needed absolute privacy for the conversation that is about to follow. Riley then makes her way to the bay window, sitting down on one side watching as Maya slowly sits down on the other side.

Neither of them know where to start or who should go first. There is an uncomfortable air that surrounds the bay window and the girls hate that their friendship has caused a disturbance within their special spot.

"I'm sorry it took two months for me to come." Maya starts off, her voice sounding tired. Riley gave Maya a glance, noticing just how tired she was, in fact Maya looked exactly how Riley felt.

"Why? Why didn't you come sooner?"

Maya opened her mouth but nothing came out, Riley waited not wanting to push her friend. She knows how hard it can be to get something off your chest.

"I…I was ashamed." Maya finally admitted, bowing her head and avoiding Riley's face at all costs.

"Ashamed? Maya what?" Riley exclaims, not thinking she would hear those words from her best friend.

"At the way I treated you, I was your best friend and I should have been the first to see right through your happy act, seen how my actions were affecting you. Yet I didn't and I am ashamed to know that I have been a crappy friend."

Riley never wanted to make Maya feel like a crappy friend, she just wanted, no she needed Maya to understand that Riley was struggling too.

"Maya you aren't a bad friend." Riley whispers, tears spilling out of her eyes. Maya shakes her head violently, taking Riley's hand in hers the first contact the two friends have had in months.

"No Riley, I was. I went home and thought about everything and I hated myself. You always had my back, you always sacrificed everything and you never gave up on me. And what do I do, I go after Lucas, I always go to your parents even though mom is always there and I didn't believe in you the way you in me." Maya croaked out.

"The truth is, you are the person I admire most and I just want everything you have, but that was no excuse for what I did. I just lost myself along the way, and then everything that happened with us and Lucas and I just got stuck and forgot to think about you"

"Maya can we please not talk about Lucas-"

"No, we need to. Because our friendship is more important than any feelings I have for Huckleberry. You are forever my soulmate Riley, no matter what guys come."

Riley smiles, because she knows Maya is right.

"Maya I want you to know this, my family will forever be your family, but-"

"But you don't want to feel like I am taking over?"

"No, well kind of but I just don't want to feel like I am being brought down or that I am not as important when your around…" Riley finally admitted.

"Oh honey! I am sorry I made you feel like that, but you are the most important person in their lives. Most important person in my life, and the most important person in Lucas's life."

"Peaches…" Riley said in a warning tone, not wanting to discuss him at all.

"No, it's something that needs to be discussed because you and him aren't finished. Him and I are, we are better as friends and I will not allow you to not explore your feelings because of me"

Riley couldn't help it, and she starts to cry because she finally feels like she has Maya back. Maya brings Riley into her arms, giving Riley the chance to finally let all her feelings about Lucas and high school out, vowing silently to not be the reason Riley feels like she needs to hide her emotions, and just like the power of the bay window and the rings, Riley and Maya fixed the Maya shape hole in both her heart and their friendship.

* * *

The weekend after Riley and Maya work out their friendship, Cory and Topanga throw a birthday party for Riley. Riley was reluctant to have one, however her parents insisted and closed down Topanga's for the night and invited everyone they knew. Riley felt unsure about having all her classmates there, but she put on a brave smile and enjoyed the evening.

It was when the party was winding down that Darby and Yogi came up to her and handed her a package. Riley gave them a quizzing look seeing as they already gave her a present but opened it anyway. Inside was a simple notebook with a picture of Riley with the words 'What Riley really means to us'. She opens the book and flips through the pages, giving small gasps at every page. There on every page was a picture of her and a classmate with a small quote at the bottom, and as Riley read another piece of her heart fell back into place.

" _Riley you are a true inspiration to the girls who are too scared to believe.'_

" _Kind and Passionate is only just the surface to what this girl really is; caring, funny, positive and many more is what makes Riley, Riley!"_

" _Riley we love you, never ever change!"_

Riley looks up and sees all her classmates watching, she gives them a warm smile.

"Guys I love it; you didn't have to do this."

Yogi shrugs "You tell us what we mean to you, so this is us showing you what you mean to us."

"Thank you so much guys, for the present and for coming." Riley gives them all a hug and watches them leave, locking the door behind them as Maya came up to her.

"Good night?"

Riley smiles, however Maya knows it is forced. Everyone who mattered to Riley came, everyone however but one.

"Did you want me to walk you home?"

Riley shakes her head "No it's ok, I might stay and clean up here. Saves mom and Katy doing it tomorrow."

"You sure?"

"It's fine Maya, thank you for everything"

Maya smiles and gives Riley a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Riley sighes and scans the room, before going and clearing some of the cups, however a knock at the bakery door stops her. There standing just outside the door in the snow was Lucas, giving Riley a small but sad smile.

Riley stands still, not expecting that this moment here, on her birthday in her mother's bakery would be the moment she had with Lucas. She gulps before making her way to the door and unlocking it, allowing Lucas to come inside.

"Hey."

"Hi."

The exchange was short and awkward, but both of them felt a sense of familiarity to it. Riley knew her and Lucas needed to talk, but now that she was standing in front of him she had no words. However, she didn't need to think that hard because Lucas started it for her.

"Riles, I am sorry for not being here tonight. I just didn't want this conversation to be done in front of others. I have a lot of things I need to apologize and make up for. First thing is the whole Maya thing, I should not have dated her. I should not have flirted with her in front of you and I should have realized that it wasn't her that I wanted, it was you."

"Lucas…"

"No, you may not believe it but you broke me when you said those things because it made me realize how much I need you in my life, yet I didn't treat you the way you deserve, and I made you doubt your place in my life."

"Lucas what are you trying to say?" Riley asks, needing to know how he really felt.

"I am saying that to me Riley no one compares, you aren't Maya…you are Riley who is both beautiful and pretty, smart and funny. You make me go calm and crazy all at the same time, and no girl has ever sprayed me with a hose or thought I could ride the bull or kissed me the way you did. I should have asked you to the semi-formal, I shouldn't have dated Maya and I should have by now had my moment."

Lucas takes a tiny step closer, and Riley feels the heat radiating between them, he takes another step placing his hand on her cheek. Riley meets his eyes just as his face inches closer and before she could process it his lips touch hers. The kiss is simple but it's the kiss that fills Riley's heart with a new feeling, something that only Lucas could bring, a sense of love and need and a triumphant sense of finally being good enough for somebody. They pull apart and Lucas rests his forehead against hers, both of them not feeling the need to break apart, and while the kiss brought a new feeling it was the words that fixed the pieces that Lucas broke off, the words that had a new meaning to Riley and the words that she wanted and needed to hear.

"I love you."

* * *

Riley would say that her heart completely healed that day, but it wasn't until a towards the end of high school after her birthday that she felt her heart had fully healed itself. The ninth piece was repaired when Riley walked across the stage in her school gym to the loud applause of the audience, and the cheering of the people in the front row. Seeing every important person in her life yell and cheer for her made her feel cherished and appreciated at the fact that they were proud of her and they were showcasing it to the world. She gets to the podium, and waits for the gym to quiet down.

"Thank you so much for coming, it means a lot to be accepting this award and scholarship to NYU especially for something that was and is quite personal. I started this blog as a way to finally let my feelings out and it soon became a way for other kids to connect and share their feelings and soon it was helping other people fully accept themselves. I didn't start writing it to make anyone feel bad for me or for anyone to feel guilty, I wrote it because of me. I wrote it to fix myself, because at the end of the day I need to look after my own heart and to finally believe in myself again just like everyone else does. Everyone has things that break them, things that add up and push them to their limit. I had mine, and I also had the defining moments and the important people help glue them back together, but there is still one-piece missing, one piece that sits right in the center. That piece is me, that piece is the piece that sits inside all of you and it's your piece. I can officially say that today that everything has bene put back into place, because I finally believed that I was good enough, that yes I am weird and goofy but I am me, and I am real. There will be things in your life that push you, people in your life that break you, but remember it's ok to be selfish and to fight back because no one else can fight for you."

Riley looks down at her paper and then looks over the audience her gaze landing on her family, who are all beaming, Maya who is crying and Lucas who couldn't be prouder, she smiles at them before saying one more thing.

"At the end of the day that center piece is the most important because that's my piece, because I fixed it myself and I finally believe in myself again, because in my eyes Pluto is still a planet and nobody can tell me otherwise."


End file.
